My Taiwanese employer would frequently open its doors to a variety of hustling salesmen and invite them to peddle their wares to the staff. By far the most popular of these characters was the fake Rolex man, who graced our workplace every couple of months.
The rapturous tidings “The fake Rolex man is here! The fake Rolex man is here!” accompanied by eager foot beats, would herald his arrival. The honored huckster would set up shop in the conference room next to my boss’s office, and I was able to observe the stream of breathless coworkers, arriving singly or in groups, carefully appreciating the counterfeit treasures and, more often than not, emerging with small handfuls of them, grinning proudly. Returned to their desks, they enjoyed much celebrity, as others of their departments gathered around to marvel at the loot before succumbing to envy and hurrying over to see what bargains remained. It was all very amusing to me and broke the monotony of long afternoons poring over telexes.
One afternoon, on the day after a visit from the fake Rolex man, my boss, whose English name was William, took me aside. He put his arm around my shoulder.
“You know, ah, we’re very concerned about you,” he said.
“Is everything all right?”
“Yes, William. Everything’s fine.”
“Are you homesick? You’ve been away from your own country for a long time.”
“I’m not homesick… Have I made some kind of mistake on the job?”
“No, that’s not it. You just don’t seem to be fitting in very well.”
“No,” William said, and then he grew even more serious. “For example: Yesterday, the fake Rolex man was here, and you didn’t buy anything. You didn’t even take a look.”
“Well, I don’t need a watch. I already have one.”
William tisk-tisked. “But surely you sometimes need to give presents. Don’t you have a friend who would like a nice fake Rolex?”
“Why would I give a friend a fake Rolex?”
“Harry, Harry.” He looked around to ensure that no one had overheard my sacrilege. “The fake Rolex man is here to help,” he said. “You should take advantage of every opportunity to obtain good fake merchandise. If you don’t, you’re just… It’s just not healthy.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Promise me you’ll take a look next time,” he implored. “You really owe it to yourself.”
I promised, but I was bummed. The watch I wore every day was an art-deco knockoff I’d picked up in Gongguan for twenty-five cents, and it kept perfect time; but did anyone notice? Did anyone give me any credit?
Everyone always assumed I was the maladjusted foreigner. I was tired of it.